A Field Guide to People Who Ain’t Got It… But Act Like They Do
A hilarious A.L. Childers original
A laugh-out-loud Southern humor blog about “big ballin’, shot callin’,” money illusions, over-the-top bragging, and the art of talking big while living small. A comedic, relatable deep dive by author A.L. Childers.
💵 BIG BALLIN’ & SHOT CALLIN’
A Scientific Study of People Who Ain’t Got No Business Talking That Big
Let me tell you something about the human species — not the scientific version, not the Darwin version — I’m talking about the Southern front-porch-observational species, the one I’ve been studying all my life.
There are only two kinds of people in this world:
- Those who are actually doing well…
- …and the ones yelling “BIG BALLIN’, SHOT CALLIN’!” while their debit card is sweating in the checkout line like it’s running a 5K.
And baby…
It is ALWAYS #2 that talks the loudest.
🎤 Every Southern Town Has That ONE Person
You know the type.
They pull up in a 2007 Dodge Charger with one different-colored door, music thumping like it’s about to file a noise complaint against itself, and they step out like:
“Yeahhh buddy, big ballin’, shot callin’!”
Sir…
Your muffler is being held on by HOPE and a metal coat hanger.
Shot calling WHERE?
A Domino’s parking lot???
🧠 **THE PSYCHOLOGY OF TALKING BIG
(According to Me, A Fully Unlicensed Researcher)**
Scientists call it overcompensation.
Southern mamas call it cutting up.
I call it:
“Your checking account is on life support but your confidence is thriving.”
People talk big because:
✔ It boosts ego
✔ It hides embarrassment
✔ It makes them feel powerful
✔ And honestly?
It’s FUN.
Because nothing is funnier than hearing someone say:
“I STAY FLEXIN’!”
while asking the cashier to take a few things off the order.
🎯 Play-On-Words We ALL Grew Up Hearing
(and none of them made sense)
- “I’m out here living LARGE.”
…In a studio apartment the size of depression. - “Big pimpin’, baby!”
…You work at AutoZone, calm down. - “Money ain’t a thing.”
…It is literally the ONLY thing stopping you from getting McDonald’s right now. - “I got racks on racks on racks.”
…Sir, you have one rack — of ribs — in your freezer. - “We out here shot callin’!”
…You mean those 2-for-1 fireball shots at Applebee’s?
🔥 **THE STORY OF THE MAN WHO CALLED HIMSELF
“BIG BANK” BUT COULDN’T BUY GAS**
True story.
Witnesses confirmed it.
Three affidavits.
One TikTok video.
He walked into the gas station declaring:
“MOVE, BROKE PEOPLE. BIG BANK COMING THROUGH.”
He slapped his card down like he was buying a yacht.
The machine declined so hard it felt personal.
DECLINED.
DECLINED AGAIN.
HIT HIM WITH THE LONG BEEP.
He looked at the cashier and said:
“Must be global warming affecting the magnetic strip.”
Sir…
Sir.
Please.
🧃 Then There’s That Auntie Who Thinks She’s “Shot Calling” Because She Has a Coupon
She’ll whip out a binder like it’s an FBI case file.
“Oh, they thought I was finna pay FULL PRICE? I don’t think so. Big Ballin’ On a Budget, baby!”
Respectfully?
She IS a shot caller.
She saved $38.42 and walked out like she owned the store.
🎬 A Dramatic 3 a.m. Scene From My Life
Last week, I knocked over my own lamp trying to open a bag of chips quietly like a ninja.
My dog looked at me like:
“So… YOU’RE the shot caller in this house?”
And you know what?
Fair point.
⚠️ Disclaimer (woven like sweet tea through crushed ice)
This blog is humor, storytelling, and cultural commentary.
Not one sentence is meant to insult — only to uplift through laughter.
Every character is fictional…
or inspired by someone who definitely will not recognize themselves unless they should.
🖊️ About the Author
I’m A.L. Childers, Southern-born storyteller, humorist, corruption-exposer, memory excavator, and lover of all things ridiculous.
If you’ve ever lived in a small town, laughed at your own chaos, or known someone who talks big but lives small —
you’re already part of my world.
I write because people are funny.
Life is weird.
And the truth tastes better when it’s served with a side of laughter.
📚 References & Resources
• “Southern Slang & Swagger,” UNC Folklore Studies
• National Institute of Humor (not real, don’t fact-check it)
• Three ladies at Dollar General who witnessed Big Bank’s decline
• My cousin who once yelled “SHOT CALLIN’” while driving a borrowed car
• My own brain
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