(A scientific, highly academic, absolutely serious midnight investigation.)

Let’s break it down.

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🐶 DOGS THINK WE’RE GODS.

But also idiots.

You: drops food
Dog: “Ah yes… the clumsy giant offers tribute.”

You: pretends to throw the ball
Dog: “Brilliant. A master of deception. A trickster deity.”

You: “Sit.”
Dog: sits
Dog: “See? I trained my human well. They love giving me treats for no reason.”

Dogs literally think:

“My tall, weird-looking wolf… cannot hunt, cannot smell, cannot run.
But she opens the magic fridge and controls the weather box.
She is powerful.”

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😾 CATS THINK WE’RE STAFF.

Cats watch us like:

“Well.
The big hairless one is struggling again.
Imagine not knowing how to clean yourself with your own tongue.”

You open a can of food?
Cat: “Impressive, servant. Continue.”

You leave a room and close the door?
Cat: “XENOPHOBIC.”

Fall down the stairs?
Cat: “Gravity has chosen violence… and honestly? You deserved it.”

Cats don’t think we’re tall OR smart.
They think:

“You exist to open doors and worship me.
Your height? Irrelevant.
Your intelligence? Unconfirmed.”

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🐹 Small pets think we’re skyscrapers with moods.

Hamsters:
“Oh look, the giant is back.
Is it feeding time?
Or am I about to be moved to a different tiny prison??
No way to tell.”

Guinea pigs:
“Yes, tall one, bring me my ceremonial vegetable triangle.”

Birds:
“You’re tall and loud. I’m small and loud. We are equals.”

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🐍 Snakes?

They don’t care if you’re tall.
They don’t care if you’re smart.
They don’t care if you exist.

You’re basically a mobile heating rock with snacks.

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🧠 BUT DO PETS THINK WE’RE INTELLIGENT?

Here’s the truth:

✔ Dogs think we’re smart

(because we do magic like turn water on and say “car ride.”)

✔ Cats think we’re stupid

(because we can’t land on our feet or see in the dark.)

✔ Small pets think we’re large emotional objects

(in charge of food distribution and unpredictable foot placement.)

✔ Birds think we’re badly feathered roommates

(who talk too slow.)

✔ Reptiles think nothing

(they run on pure dinosaur vibes.)

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😂 THE REAL ANSWER?

Pets don’t think we’re smart.
They think we’re functional.

We are:

• the opener of bags
• the drawer of baths
• the refiller of bowls
• the walker of leashes
• the payer of bills
• the taller creature who can reach the good snacks

And honestly?

That’s probably accurate.