Breaking news from the land of marble columns and moral grandstanding:
The Supreme Court has ruled that a nativity scene cannot be placed in Washington, D.C.
Not because of religion.
Not because of the Constitution.
But because—brace yourself—they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Let’s all take a moment of silence for the lost art of irony.
The Ruling (As Best as We Can Understand It)
According to this entirely fictional, painfully plausible explanation, the issue wasn’t church versus state. It was human resources. Apparently, Washington, D.C. conducted a thorough search and came up empty-handed.
No wise men.
No virgin.
Plenty of opinions.
Endless committees.
But the casting requirements? Impossible.
A City Overqualified for Everything Except This
Let’s be clear—this is satire. But satire only works because it’s uncomfortably close to the truth.
Washington is full of:
- Advisors who advise advisors who advise task forces
- Panels to study the formation of panels
- Press conferences announcing future press conferences
And yet… not a single wise man could be verified.
As for the virgin?
Background checks stalled. Definitions debated. Committees formed. Funding approved. Study postponed until after the next election cycle.
The Real Miracle
The real miracle isn’t the nativity scene—it’s that anyone expected this to go differently.
This is a city where:
- Accountability is optional
- Wisdom is outsourced
- Purity tests apply only to the taxpayers
So naturally, the nativity scene failed the vetting process.
Let the Record Show
This decision was not about faith.
It was about feasibility.
Because finding three wise men and a virgin in modern political culture is asking far too much.
Even Joseph would’ve said, “Yeah… that tracks.”
Satire Disclaimer
This article is satire.
It is written for humor, commentary, and the preservation of sanity.
Any resemblance to real rulings, real people, or real logic is purely coincidental—and deeply concerning.
Please do not cite this in court. Or at Thanksgiving.
Why Satire Still Matters
Satire exists to point out the absurd without shouting.
To laugh where screaming would be exhausting.
And to remind us that sometimes the joke isn’t religion, politics, or tradition—
It’s us.
About the Author
A.L. Childers is a satirical essayist, cultural commentator, and prolific author known for blending sharp wit with uncomfortable truths. Her writing explores politics, systems, history, and modern absurdities through humor, irony, and unapologetic observation. She believes laughter is sometimes the only reasonable response to unreasonable systems.
