(A Spiritual Cleaning Gone Slightly… Too Well)
I saged my house last night for peace, clarity, and positive energy.
I woke up outside.
No blankets.
No pillow.
Just vibes… and consequences.
The Intention Was Pure
Let the record show: my intentions were immaculate.
I wanted to:
- Clear negative energy
- Reset the mood
- Evict bad vibes without involving law enforcement
I lit the sage with confidence. The smoke curled dramatically like it had opinions. I waved it through doorways, corners, closets, and one room that absolutely knew what it did.
I spoke affirmations.
I set boundaries.
I may have raised my voice once or twice.
The Sage Took It Personally
Somewhere between the hallway and the kitchen, the sage stopped being a tool and became management.
It didn’t cleanse gently.
It conducted a full audit.
The sage said:
- ✨ This anxiety? Gone.
- ✨ That lingering resentment? Removed.
- ✨ You? …Questionable.
I felt judged. Spiritually HR’d.
The Morning After
I woke up refreshed, aligned, and… outdoors.
Apparently, the sage didn’t just remove negative energy—it streamlined operations.
Nonessential personnel were released.
Including me.
The house stood behind me like:
“We wish you well in your future endeavors.”
What We’ve Learned Here
Smudging is not a suggestion—it’s a negotiation.
If you sage with authority:
- Be prepared for accountability
- Know your worth
- And keep your keys close
Because sage doesn’t ask who pays the mortgage.
It asks who’s disrupting the peace.
Spiritual Cleansing: A Warning Label
Side effects may include:
- Sudden clarity
- Emotional detox
- Unscheduled self-reflection
- Temporary outdoor living
Consult your intuition before use.
Satirical Disclaimer
This blog is satire.
No actual sage bundles were harmed.
No homeowners were permanently evicted (yet).
This is humor, not spiritual instruction—please sage responsibly.
About the Author
A.L. Childers is a writer, humorist, and spiritual realist who blends wit, lived experience, and cultural commentary into stories that feel uncomfortably familiar. Whether writing about healing, systems, food, or sage that works overtime, she tells the truth with humor and heart.
📚 Follow me for more writing like this—and check out my books, where wellness, humor, healing, and real life collide. If you’ve ever laughed, healed, or side-eyed your own choices… you’re my people.
