By A.L. Childers | Blogger • Satirist • Screamer at the Screen
Let’s get this out of the way: we all yell at the screen during horror movies.
But let’s be real—there’s a certain pattern of behavior we’ve come to expect, especially from white characters in horror films. It’s not hate, it’s cinematic observation. 🫣
So in the spirit of satire and scream queens everywhere, here are the dumbest things white people (usually) do in horror movies—complete with examples, logical breakdowns, and the obvious “why tho?”
🎯 1. They Move Into Clearly Haunted Houses (and Stay There)
Exhibit A: The Amityville Horror, Poltergeist, The Conjuring
If the walls are bleeding, the mirrors whisper, or your toddler is talking to invisible “friends” in static…
LEAVE.
But no. They start praying, Googling Latin phrases, or calling in a Catholic priest who shows up late and leaves early. I mean… would you sleep in a house with a basement portal to hell?
Why it’s dumb:
Because Home Depot does not sell “ghost spray.” Relocating is cheaper than an exorcism (and emotional therapy for your kids).
🔦 2. They Go Investigating Alone (in the Dark, Unarmed, in Socks)
Exhibit B: Literally every Paranormal Activity, The Strangers, and Scream entry
They hear a noise. Instead of locking the door and calling 911 like a normal person, they grab a candle, whisper “Hello?” and walk into the basement. Alone.
Socks on hardwood floors. That’s a death wish.
Why it’s dumb:
If you wouldn’t walk into your garage without shoes and a flashlight, why would you walk into the woods with no pants to chase “a shadow”?
📞 3. They Don’t Believe the One Friend Who Knows What’s Up
Exhibit C: Cabin in the Woods, Jeepers Creepers, Hereditary
There’s always one person—Black, brown, or just the local weird girl—who says: “We shouldn’t do this.”
And the others?
“You’re overreacting, let’s just light this ancient book on fire and read from it.”
Why it’s dumb:
Because the only thing more terrifying than a curse is the white confidence that it can be outwitted by logic. Spoiler: It can’t.
🧳 4. They Vacation in Clearly Cursed Locations
Exhibit D: Midsommar, Wrong Turn, The Ruins, Hostel
“Oh look, a random cult in the mountains offering us mushroom tea and flower crowns. Let’s stay for dinner!”
(Meanwhile the rest of us are like: Do you not see the red flags… and robes?)
Why it’s dumb:
If you can’t pronounce the name of the town or find it on Google Maps, your weekend getaway might include ritual sacrifice.
📼 5. They Ignore Obvious Supernatural Warnings
Exhibit E: The Ring, Sinister, The Babadook
“Hey, this video says you’ll die in 7 days if you watch it!”
“Cool. Let’s make popcorn.”
Why it’s dumb:
If an ancient text tells you “DO NOT READ ALOUD,” maybe don’t read it aloud. If your kid starts drawing faceless shadow monsters, maybe don’t chalk it up to “creativity.”
🧠 Honorable Mentions:
- Splitting up to “cover more ground” (Never. Do. This.)
- Trusting the town gas station guy who says “I’d turn back if I were you”
- Saying “It’s just a game” when clearly it’s not (Ouija, anyone?)
- Treating the undead like they’re going to respect your suburban boundaries
💀 Final Thought:
This isn’t about race—it’s about horror tropes.
But let’s be real: white characters in horror movies tend to die because of their own bold choices, not because of bad luck.
If we’ve learned anything from decades of horror cinema, it’s this:
“If the vibe feels off—leave. If your ancestors are whispering in the wind—run. And for God’s sake, don’t go in the basement.”
😂 Let me know:
What’s the dumbest thing YOU’VE seen in a horror movie?
#HorrorMovieLogic #WhyDidYouGoInThere #HorrorTropes #ScaryMovieRules #SatireBlog #CadetKellyMeetsCabinInTheWoods #ALChildersWrites
