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If My Thyroid Had a Yelp Review… It Would Be 1 Star and Flagged as “Fraudulent Activity.”

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(A Sequel for Those Whose Glands Have Betrayed Them Twice)

I have decided that if businesses can be reviewed on Yelp, so can internal organs.
Specifically, my thyroid.

Because if restaurants get held accountable for soggy fries,
then my thyroid should face judgment for wrecking my metabolism, emotions, and entire personality.

So here it is.

My official thyroid Yelp review.

Spoiler: It’s not glowing.

⭐ 1 Star. Do Not Recommend.

Reviewed by: A very tired woman
Service Provided: Metabolism, mood regulation, hair retention, life force
Status: Closed for renovation since 2007

The Review:

I would give zero stars if possible.

I arrived at my body expecting normal endocrine service.
Simple things. Nothing dramatic.

  • Basic energy
  • Basic metabolism
  • Basic emotional stability
  • A functioning thermostat

Instead, I received:

  • Constant fatigue
  • A metabolism moving at sloth speed
  • Emotional whiplash
  • Random swelling
  • Hair shedding like a husky in July
  • Dry skin that could sand a table

This place is a scam.

⭐ Cleanliness: 1/5

Why does my thyroid feel like it’s filled with dust, betrayal, and 12 unhealed childhood traumas?

I didn’t order this.

⭐ Wait Time: 0/5

It takes six to nine months to get a diagnosis because doctors assume your fatigue is “laziness,” “stress,” or “being a woman.”

Great.
Love that for us.

The wait time for feeling normal again?
Approximately 3–5 business years.

⭐ Customer Service: -4/5

I have called multiple times.
My thyroid does not answer.

It ghosts me constantly.

When it does respond, it says things like:

“Maybe take a nap?”

“Have you tried eating better?”

“Let’s shut down your metabolism for fun.”

This is harassment.

⭐ Food Quality: 1/5

Apparently everything I eat is now stored forever.
I had one pretzel five days ago and I’m still bloated.

My thyroid must be running a “zero digestion, all storage” operation.

Is anyone regulating this establishment?

⭐ Atmosphere: 1/5

The vibes are rancid.

Inside my body it feels like:

  • A haunted house
  • A broken vending machine
  • A Walmart at 2 AM
  • The week before Mercury retrograde

Disappointing ambiance overall.

⭐ Staff: 2/5

The supporting employees (adrenals, pituitary gland, nervous system) seem exhausted from overcompensating.

Honestly, they deserve a raise.

Meanwhile my thyroid sits in the back room on break.

⭐ Menu Options:

What I want to order:

  • Energy
  • Good mood
  • Clear thoughts
  • Weight loss
  • Thick hair
  • Normal body temperature

What I receive:

  • Tired
  • Cold
  • Sad
  • Confused
  • Bloated
  • Balding

This is false advertising.

⭐ Pricing: 10/5

This is the most expensive broken organ I’ve ever owned.

It costs:

  • Thousands in supplements
  • Hundreds in tests
  • Therapy
  • Two missed appointments
  • A personality shift
  • A social life
  • My will to live

Zero coupons.
Zero loyalty points.

⭐ Would I Return?

I don’t have a choice.

What Hypothyroidism Would Say in Response (If It Responded at All)

“Hi, thanks for your feedback!
We’re sorry you feel this way.

We are currently experiencing high call volume due to chronic inflammation and the universe being rude.

Your suffering is important to us.

Please allow 6 to 12 months for symptom improvement.
Have you tried yoga?”

Absolutely not.
I am boycotting this business.

Additional Reviews From Other Organs

Adrenal Glands:
“Management refuses to hire more staff. We are overwhelmed. SOS.”

Pituitary Gland:
“I just work here.”

Immune System:
“We got carried away. Sorry.”

Hair Follicles:
“Her? We quit.”

Final Verdict:

My thyroid is the worst employee I’ve ever hired.
It has:

  • Poor performance
  • No accountability
  • A history of misconduct
  • Zero work ethic
  • Frequent absences
  • And keeps sending emotional HR complaints

But like every tired woman with hypothyroidism…
I’ll continue dragging myself through life,
supplements in one hand,
caffeine in the other,
praying this useless gland decides to clock in again someday.

About the Author

A.L. Childers is a multi-genre author with over 200 titles, blending humor, health empowerment, supernatural fiction, and women’s real-life struggles into writing that feels raw, hilarious, and healing all at once.

 Books by A.L. Childers

Disclaimer

This blog is humor based on lived experiences and research. It is not medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for medical concerns.


A long, brutally funny, painfully accurate sarcastic blog where hypothyroidism is reviewed like a terrible business on Yelp. Dark humor, women’s health truth bombs, and thyroid comedy by A.L. Childers.