(Featuring: Chaos, Hot Flashes, Betrayal, and a Shocked Thyroid Watching It All Unfold Like a Viewer on HBO)
Let me just say it plainly:
My hormones should NOT be employed.
If they worked in an office?
HR would’ve escorted them out YEARS ago.
These are not dedicated employees.
These are feral raccoons in business casual.
And I say this as a woman who has walked the full endocrine journey:
✅ Hypothyroidism
✅ Perimenopause
✅ Menopause
✅ Whatever THIS phase is now (I call it “The Sleepy Hot Flash Era”)
Life has become one long staff meeting where no one does their job and someone keeps turning the thermostat to Hades.
Welcome to my daily hormone workplace.
Meet My Internal Staff: A Complete Disaster
1. Estrogen – The Employee Who Quit but Still Comes in Randomly to Stir Drama
Estrogen used to be reliable.
She showed up every day, on time, moisturized, productive.
Then one morning she walked into my metaphorical office like:
“I’m done. Here’s my badge.”
But does she actually leave?
No.
She pops back in once a month like:
“MISS ME??”
and then leaves again for 10 days.
She’s unstable, unpredictable, and wearing a crop top at 48.
She can’t be trusted.
2. Progesterone – The Employee on Permanent Vacation
Progesterone used to balance everything.
She was the calm one.
The stabilizer.
The “let’s not cry over spilled coffee” voice of reason.
And then perimenopause hit.
Progesterone walked in wearing sunglasses, holding a margarita, and said:
“I’m moving to Mexico.”
She visits occasionally.
Mostly to say her flight is delayed.
3. Testosterone – The Co-Worker Who Shows Up Like a Tornado
Women don’t talk about this enough.
One day I had:
- normal patience
- normal libido
- normal skin
- normal emotions
Then out of nowhere, testosterone barged in yelling:
“TIME TO BE AGGRESSIVE AND GROW CHIN HAIRS!”
Sir, calm down.
You are in the wrong cubicle.
Some days he doesn’t show up at all.
Other days he’s operating a forklift indoors for no reason.
4. Cortisol – The One Making Everything Worse
Cortisol is the co-worker who thinks EVERYTHING is urgent.
A text message?
PANIC.
The dryer buzzed?
PANIC.
Someone walked too loudly?
PANIC.
She is the drama.
Cortisol has been running around the office, setting fires and screaming into walkie-talkies since perimenopause began.
Between her and estrogen, it’s giving “Thelma & Louise drive off the cliff energy.”
5. Thyroid – The Employee Who Was Already Burnt Out Before Menopause Showed Up
My thyroid is sitting at its desk like:
“I cannot deal with these new hires.”
Hypothyroidism is already a full-time workplace tragedy.
But menopause?
Menopause walked in and said:
“Let’s make the thyroid’s job harder.”
My thyroid has not recovered since 2014.
It is in a corner somewhere, rocking back and forth, clutching my labs.
How Hypothyroidism + Perimenopause + Menopause Work Together
Short answer: They don’t.
Long answer: They actively sabotage one another.
Hypothyroidism says:
“I have no energy.”
Perimenopause says:
“I have ALL the emotions.”
Menopause says:
“I have none of the emotions.”
Estrogen says:
“I’m leaving.”
Progesterone says:
“I’ve already left.”
The thyroid says:
“I wasn’t even told there was a meeting.”
And testosterone says:
“CHIN HAIR TIME!”
It’s a circus—
and I’m the ringmaster,
the clown,
AND the exhausted lady selling overpriced snacks.
The Stages of Hormone Co-Worker Collapse
Stage 1: Perimenopause – When HR Starts Losing the Files
Random periods.
Mood swings.
Night sweats.
Sadness over commercials.
Rage over spoons dropping.
Forgotten words.
Hunger that feels spiritual.
Perimenopause is basically:
“Are you okay?”
“No.”
Stage 2: Menopause – When Management Finally Gives Up
The mood swings calm down.
The chaos slows.
You start realizing:
“Oh.
This quiet… feels… suspicious.”
You’re not crazy anymore.
Just hot.
All the time.
Like you swallowed a space heater.
Your sleep?
Gone.
Your metabolism?
Fled the country.
Your patience?
On life support.
You’re calm…
but ready to fight if necessary.
Stage 3: Post-Menopause – The Enlightened Warrior Stage
This is when women become unstoppable.
Your hormones?
Gone.
Your standards?
High.
Your energy?
Selective.
Your boundaries?
Ironclad.
Your fashion?
Comfort over everything.
Your tolerance for nonsense?
ZERO.
This is the phase where women become legends.
Why My Hormones Would Be Fired
✅ They don’t show up consistently.
✅ They lie on paperwork.
✅ They make emotional decisions without consulting me.
✅ They violate the company thermostat policy constantly.
✅ They harass the thyroid.
✅ They cause workplace chaos daily.
✅ They unionized without approval.
✅ They steal my sleep.
✅ They ignore memos.
✅ And they make the rest of the office (my body) miserable.
This is grounds for immediate termination.
But HR says:
“There are no replacements.”
Great.
So I have to keep these raggedy employees until death.
Awesome.
✅ About the Author
A.L. Childers is a multi-genre author writing across humor, thyroid health, women’s empowerment, political satire, metaphysics, folklore, romance, and creative fiction. She has published over 200 books and continues to write for every woman who has ever felt exhausted, misunderstood, or on fire from the inside out.
About the Author
A.L. Childers is a multi-genre author with over 200 titles, blending humor, health empowerment, supernatural fiction, and women’s real-life struggles into writing that feels raw, hilarious, and healing all at once.
Books by A.L. Childers
Reset Your Thyroid: 21-Day Meal Plan
The Forbidden Gospel of John: From Sinai to Nicaea and the Prison of Flesh
Archons: Unveiling the Parasitic Entities Shaping Human Thoughts
The Girl in the Mirror Is Thirteen Again
A Woman’s Holistic Holy Grail Handbook for Hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s
The Witch’s Almanac Cookbook (2026 Edition)
Disclaimer
This blog is humor and experience-based. It is not medical advice and should not replace professional healthcare guidance. Always consult your licensed provider for medical evaluation.
A long, hilarious, sarcastic deep-dive into perimenopause, menopause, and hypothyroidism—told as if your hormones are incompetent co-workers who deserve termination. Warm tone, professional humor, SEO-packed thyroid + menopause blog by A.L. Childers.
