(A Humorous, Sarcastic, Relatable Rant from a Woman Living on 2% Battery Since 1998)
I’d like to formally announce that my thyroid has resigned.
No two weeks’ notice.
No farewell email.
Not even a sad Zoom call with a pixelated goodbye.
Just—
“I’m out.”
And here I am, left holding the bag…
which is ironic because I no longer have the energy to hold anything heavier than a remote control.
If you’ve ever had hypothyroidism, you know what I mean.
One day you’re a semi-functioning adult.
The next day your thyroid walks out like:
“I’m tired of you expecting me to regulate your metabolism, keep your hair attached to your scalp, and give you normal human emotions. This environment is toxic.”
Excuse me???
I am toxic?
YOU are the one working part-time hours with full-time responsibilities.
I’m the victim here.
HR needs to be involved.
But no.
Apparently the Human Resources department for endocrinology is “lab tests” and “specialists,”
and neither of them returns phone calls unless you fast for 12 hours, show up at 7 AM, and fork over $400.
Hypothyroidism is basically living in a body controlled by a raccoon.
You want sleep?
Too bad.
Your body wants carbs, Netflix, and emotional breakdowns.
You want energy?
Nope.
You get “horizontal motivation,” which means you can THINK about all the things you want to accomplish but must do so while lying flat, staring at the ceiling, and reconsidering life choices.
You want to lose weight?
Your thyroid says:
“Ha. Cute.”
You want your hair to stop shedding like a Golden Retriever in summer?
Thyroid says:
“These wigs on Amazon and TikTok look nice though.”
My personal favorite?
The way hypothyroidism convinces you you’re dying over nothing.
Fatigue?
Dying.
Headache?
Dying.
A bump on your neck?
Dying in six languages.
Meanwhile your doctor says:
“You’re fine. Your TSH is almost normal.”
Almost.
Like being “almost pregnant” or “almost married.”
It means absolutely nothing.
Nobody warns you about the brain fog, either.
Brain fog is not “forgetfulness.”
Brain fog is:
- Walking into a room with purpose
- Forgetting the purpose
- Forgetting the room
- Forgetting your name
- Considering laying on the floor until rebooted
It’s like Windows 95 is running your entire consciousness.
Loading… loading…
Still loading…
Error.
Mood swings? Let’s talk.
Hypothyroidism mood swings aren’t normal mood swings.
They’re:
- Crying at commercials
- Getting mad at cereal boxes
- Feeling insulted by inanimate objects
- Feeling like you’re underwater emotionally
- Needing affection but also needing people to leave you alone forever
If you’re dating someone with hypothyroidism, congratulations.
You’ve unlocked hard mode.
And then there’s the weight gain.
You can eat 1,200 calories a day, drink water like you’re prepping for camel conversion, take 10,000 steps, sleep 8 hours, and your thyroid will still say:
“We gain weight now.”
It’s not a gland.
It’s a dictator.
And it’s holding your metabolism hostage.
Every woman with hypothyroidism knows this one: “Why are you so tired?”
Sir.
Ma’am.
Everyone.
I am tired because—
- My thyroid retired
- My hormones are millennials on burnout leave
- My iron levels are playing Twister with my vitamin D
- My adrenals said: “We’re unionizing.”
I’m tired because my BODY is tired.
And you asking about it is now my 13th reason.
Doctors love to say “Just exercise more.”
Okay.
And would you like me to lift my entire mood as well?
Perhaps rearrange the planets while I’m at it?
I walk for 5 minutes and my legs say:
“This activity is not available in your region.”
I do yoga and nearly fall asleep in child’s pose.
I lift weights and my thyroid says:
“Look at her trying.”
And don’t get me started on the “eat clean” suggestion.
I DO eat clean.
I eat so clean I could be a monk.
Meanwhile Carol at work eats donuts for breakfast, KFC for lunch, chugs Mountain Dew, and her metabolism is somewhere running laps around the sun.
I eat broccoli once and my thyroid says:
“Let’s bloat for 72 hours.”
The truth?
Hypothyroidism is invisible.
Silent.
Slow-moving.
Soul-draining.
And unless someone has it—they have NO idea.
We laugh about it because if we didn’t, we’d just lay down and accept our fate.
Humor is how we cope.
Sarcasm is how we survive.
And thyroid warriors?
We may be tired—
But we are relentless.
Even if we move at half the speed of everyone else.
✅ About the Author
A.L. Childers is a multi-genre author with over 200 titles, writing everything from thyroid health books to supernatural thrillers, romance, Appalachian folklore, political satire, and women’s empowerment.
✅ Books by A.L. Childers
- Hashimoto’s Crock-Pot Recipes
- Reset Your Thyroid: 21-Day Meal Plan
- The Hidden Empire
- The Forbidden Gospel of John: From Sinai to Nicaea and the Prison of Flesh
- Archons: Unveiling the Parasitic Entities Shaping Human Thoughts
- The Girl in the Mirror Is Thirteen Again
- A Woman’s Holistic Holy Grail Handbook for Hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s
- The Witch’s Almanac Cookbook (2026 Edition)
- And more available on Amazon
Disclaimer
This blog is based on humor, lived experiences, and research. It is not medical advice and should not replace personalized care from a healthcare practitioner. Always consult your doctor for diagnosis, treatment, or medication questions.



