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I Smudged My House Last Night and Woke Up Outside 🌿🔥

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(A Spiritual Cleaning Gone Slightly… Too Well)

I saged my house last night for peace, clarity, and positive energy.

I woke up outside.

No blankets.
No pillow.
Just vibes… and consequences.

The Intention Was Pure

Let the record show: my intentions were immaculate.

I wanted to:

  • Clear negative energy
  • Reset the mood
  • Evict bad vibes without involving law enforcement

I lit the sage with confidence. The smoke curled dramatically like it had opinions. I waved it through doorways, corners, closets, and one room that absolutely knew what it did.

I spoke affirmations.
I set boundaries.
I may have raised my voice once or twice.

The Sage Took It Personally

Somewhere between the hallway and the kitchen, the sage stopped being a tool and became management.

It didn’t cleanse gently.
It conducted a full audit.

The sage said:

  • ✨ This anxiety? Gone.
  • ✨ That lingering resentment? Removed.
  • ✨ You? …Questionable.

I felt judged. Spiritually HR’d.

The Morning After

I woke up refreshed, aligned, and… outdoors.

Apparently, the sage didn’t just remove negative energy—it streamlined operations.

Nonessential personnel were released.

Including me.

The house stood behind me like:
“We wish you well in your future endeavors.”

What We’ve Learned Here

Smudging is not a suggestion—it’s a negotiation.

If you sage with authority:

  • Be prepared for accountability
  • Know your worth
  • And keep your keys close

Because sage doesn’t ask who pays the mortgage.
It asks who’s disrupting the peace.

Spiritual Cleansing: A Warning Label

Side effects may include:

  • Sudden clarity
  • Emotional detox
  • Unscheduled self-reflection
  • Temporary outdoor living

Consult your intuition before use.

Satirical Disclaimer

This blog is satire.
No actual sage bundles were harmed.
No homeowners were permanently evicted (yet).
This is humor, not spiritual instruction—please sage responsibly.

About the Author

A.L. Childers is a writer, humorist, and spiritual realist who blends wit, lived experience, and cultural commentary into stories that feel uncomfortably familiar. Whether writing about healing, systems, food, or sage that works overtime, she tells the truth with humor and heart.

📚 Follow me for more writing like this—and check out my books, where wellness, humor, healing, and real life collide. If you’ve ever laughed, healed, or side-eyed your own choices… you’re my people.

Women Are Angels… But Also Resourceful as Hell 🧹

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(A Holiday-Season Sermon on Wings, Broomsticks, and Sheer Audacity)

The sign sat there quietly. Unassuming. Decorative. Innocent even.
And then it spoke the truth no self-help book has ever had the nerve to say out loud:

“Women are angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
We simply continue to fly…
On a broomstick.
We’re flexible like that.”

I stood there staring at it longer than socially acceptable, nodding like someone who had just been personally validated by a plank of wood.

A Short History of Broken Wings

Women, historically speaking, have had their wings snapped more times than a dollar-store lawn chair.

By life.
By love.
By systems.
By people who said “just be patient” while actively standing on the feathers.

And yet—somehow—we keep flying.

Not gracefully.
Not quietly.
But effectively.

Sometimes with mascara running.
Sometimes with receipts.
Sometimes with caffeine and spite.

Enter: The Broomstick Era

Let’s talk about the broomstick for a moment, because this is where the wisdom lives.

The broomstick is not a downgrade.
It’s a pivot.

It says:

  • You took my wings? Cool. I adapted.
  • You blocked the sky? Fine. I found another route.
  • You underestimated me? Adorable.

This isn’t about magic.
It’s about problem-solving.

When flight plans are canceled, women invent transportation.

Why This Quote Hits So Hard

Because it captures the unspoken truth of womanhood:

We don’t stop when things break.
We rebuild with whatever is left.

Broken heart? Add humor.
Broken trust? Add boundaries.
Broken wings? Add a broomstick and keep it moving.

And then society has the nerve to call us intense.

A Holiday Observation 🎄

The holidays are when this sign becomes less inspirational and more autobiographical.

This is the season where women:

  • Hold families together with duct tape and wine
  • Turn chaos into traditions
  • Smile politely while doing emotional labor like it’s cardio

Angels? Sure.
But angels with contingency plans.

The Real Moral of the Story

Flexibility isn’t weakness.
It’s survival with flair.

And if flying looks a little different these days—louder, sharper, broomstick-shaped—so be it.

We were never meant to break quietly.

Satire Disclaimer

This blog is satirical.
It is written for humor, empowerment, and the therapeutic joy of recognition.
No actual broomsticks are required for flight (though highly recommended for attitude).
Any resemblance to your life is intentional.

About the Author

A.L. Childers is a humorist, essayist, and cultural commentator known for blending wit with lived truth. She captures the resilience, sarcasm, and quiet rebellion of modern womanhood—one sharp observation at a time.